Read Canadian Cinephile and Gossip Guru, Betsy Webber's take on TIFF. There is a lot of street activity and a lot of excitement in the air. The weather is cooperating and giving us a very comfortable waiting in line experience. TIFF seems to have listened to the complaints from last year and I have yet to experience the frustrations of being in the wrong line for a film. I think that there is a better scheduling of films so that we're all not lined up for many different titles. More From Toronto.

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Bradley Brown has been to more Toronto Film Festivals than anyone. Get his TIFFs.
BREAKING NEWS: Commander in Chief, President Barack Obama, has drafted Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh into the U.S. Armed forces. Mr. Cheney and Mr. Limbaugh will be stationed in the tribal areas along the border of Pakistan and Afghanistan. President Obama said that it was their great concern for homeland security that convinced him these are the best men for the job. Mr.Limbaugh will require a custom tailored uniform because he was unable to fit into a standard size at press time. This, of course, will change. New studies show that military personnel in the middle east lose an average of twenty-five pounds in their first year of active duty. Since these new studies were released, several women from Beverly Hills have joined the army, Oprah Winfrey among them.
BREAKING NEWS: Somali Pirates really former Bear Stearns and Goldman Sachs brokers. Federal investigators revealed today that the three dead Somali pirates were former Wall Street brokers. Authorities suggested that many more former Wall Street brokers and bankers (who received bailout money) are now working waters off the shores of Somalia. "The money is better than Wall Street and we get to work outdoors," said Wesley Vanderbilt, formerly a top selling securities broker at Bear Stearns. "Wall Street sucks these days," added Adam Spielstein, dressed for boating in topsiders, a Harvard MBA t-shirt and brandishing an AK47. "This is so much more fun than cruising senior centers in Rancho Mirage." Jerry McBaitland, a former Lehman Brothers hotshot, chimes in, "Manhattan housing prices have gotten too crazy. My kids are in school in Switzerland and life is good."
BREAKING NEWS: American Debtors Will Be Shipped to China as Indentured Servants! The federal government announced today that all Americans in foreclosure, past due on credit card debt or in bankruptcy, will be shipped to Beijing to work off America's debt to the Chinese. China accepted a hard driven bargain by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton today which allows for every American to help pay off our national debt to China by working for two dollars a day as a domestic servant, in rice paddies or coal mines. Since 98% of the national debt is caused by heterosexuals, only heterosexuals will be shipped to China. Gays and lesbians will be sent to the Paris sweatshops of Yves St. Laurent, Karl Lagerfeld and Givenchy, to help pay back what we owe to the French. Banks and credit card companies will use their bailout money to pay to ship American debtors to China. According to Citibank executives, who asked not to be identified, "it's important that America show the world we always pay back our debts." Bankrupt American Debtors (B.A.D.) claim they should be paid at least the federal minimum wage but experts on Wall Street said that would only serve to hurt small businesses in China and stunt economic growth worldwide. Gays and lesbians working Paris sweatshops, however, will be paid French minimum wage, given free healthcare, expense accounts and quaint but fashionable apartments on the Rive Gauche. Experts on Wall Street claim this is the sort of practice that has destroyed France's economy. French politicians' response was simply, "we will not be sending any French people to work in China."
BREAKING NEWS: According to a new Gallup Poll, more than 8 out of 10 Americans identify themselves as Christians. Gallup goes on to explain that this means Americans (Christians) will believe anything, including a mortgage broker who tells them their rate will never go up. In fact, says Gallup, the entire subprime mortgage fiasco has been caused almost entirely by Christians who will believe anything plus a small minority of other religious types who will believe anything. 100% of all foreclosures in the United States have been on Christian households. Gallup says that no atheists have ever been sold a bad mortgage or been foreclosed on. According to Barry McSorley, a mortgage broker in Fort Meyers, "those damn atheists are impossible to make any money on. They read the paperwork. Gimme a Christian any day, they take you on faith. All you have to do is mention Jesus and couple of times and hand them the pen." The latest studies including the one below indicate that the entire financial crisis is almost entirely caused by Christian heterosexuals who will believe anything anyone tells them is in the Bible. Salesmen in Alice Thompson's Internet Marketing classes say that there is a list of closely guarded words that will trigger a sale under just about any circumstances. Although the salesmen refused to show us the list, we hear from reliable sources that the list includes the words "jesus," "Bible," "faith," "God," "pray," and "devil." A few salesmen admit those words are on the list but refused to indicate the majical order. If the words are said in the right order, apparently, a Christian will overpay by up to 100% above MSRP.
BREAKING NEWS: Heterosexuals cause economic crisis. Economists today announced that more than 95% of the current recession has been caused by heterosexuals. Heterosexuals with children caused the mortgage crisis which led to the current economic crisis which some say is the worst since the great depression. Further studies show that gang violence is caused almost entirely by heterosexuals. Gangs murder thousands of people every year and sell drugs. Research shows that 99.9% of gang members are heterosexuals. Heterosexuals cause crime. They need to become gay to become civilized. There is hope for them though, through Leviticus International they can find Jesus and become gay and have a clean conscience about not causing current record levels of foreclosure and unemployment as well as gang violence and murder. Heterosexuality is destroying our culture. Jesus can stop it. Join Leviticus International now.

“Horror In The Wind” Banned In New Mexico.

Indie comedy “Horror In The Wind,” has been banned by Allen Theaters of New Mexico.  Revision Studios reports that Allen Theaters refused to screen the locally produced comedy because it is too political.  “Horror In The Wind” is about two biogeneticists whose Formula 4708 reverses the whole world’s sexual orientation.  Made for under $53,000, sci fi comedy “Horror In The Wind (trailer),” has been banned by Allen Theaters of New Mexico.  Dick Weber, Executive Producer at Revision Studios, reports that Allen Theaters refused to screen the locally produced comedy because it is too political.  “Horror In The Wind” tells the story of two biogeneticists who invent an airborne formula that accidentally reverses the whole world’s sexual orientation.  According to Weber, “The movie cost less than $53,000.  Miraculous for any feature but even more so considering we have an airplane and a car explosion.  Except for Allen Theaters, the people of southern New Mexico really supported this project with lots of free stuff.” “James Dobson in a jockstrap! Scared the livin’ daylights outta’ me.”  Flo Daniels, Flo TV.  “They had me until they rewrote the Bible.” Dan Lafferty, Fax News.
BREAKING NEWS: GAYS FIGHT PROP EIGHT WITH PROP STRAIGHT. Left wing radical gays announced a new strategy to overturn Proposition Eight with Proposition Straight. Gays, led by Al Gutsy of San Diego, plan to ask churches who supported Proposition 8 to help them come to Jesus. When Christians come to their homes or meet them at church, gay radicals will seduce them, compromise them, and sodomize them. James Dobson, of Focus on the Family, said today that Christians will not be hoodwinked by sexual terrorism masquerading as spiritual bankruptcy.Mormons, however, have shown up in droves at gay and lesbian homes anxious to share the Book of Mormon. In many cases, these missionaries have left the church. The missionaries' position on this is that it is worth the risk to make converts. Rumors swirl about gay polygamy in the wake of these defections which may or may not undermine the undermining of Prop 8. If you opposed Prop 8 and want to do something about it, says Gutsy, get in touch with the Mormons, they will be at your door with literature faster than Domino's Pizza. And if that doesn't work, try Focus On The Family, they will want to convert you to heterosexual and when they're not looking, you can do some missionary work on them.
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