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BREAKING NEWS: Commander in Chief, President Barack Obama, has drafted Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh into the U.S. Armed forces. Mr. Cheney and Mr. Limbaugh will be stationed in the tribal areas along the border of Pakistan and Afghanistan. President Obama said that it was their great concern for homeland security that convinced him these are the best men for the job. Mr.Limbaugh will require a custom tailored uniform because he was unable to fit into a standard size at press time. This, of course, will change. New studies show that military personnel in the middle east lose an average of twenty-five pounds in their first year of active duty. Since these new studies were released, several women from Beverly Hills have joined the army, Oprah Winfrey among them.

BREAKING NEWS: Somali Pirates really former Bear Stearns and Goldman Sachs brokers. Federal investigators revealed today that the three dead Somali pirates were former Wall Street brokers. Authorities suggested that many more former Wall Street brokers and bankers (who received bailout money) are now working waters off the shores of Somalia. "The money is better than Wall Street and we get to work outdoors," said Wesley Vanderbilt, formerly a top selling securities broker at Bear Stearns. "Wall Street sucks these days," added Adam Spielstein, dressed for boating in topsiders, a Harvard MBA t-shirt and brandishing an AK47. "This is so much more fun than cruising senior centers in Rancho Mirage." Jerry McBaitland, a former Lehman Brothers hotshot, chimes in, "Manhattan housing prices have gotten too crazy. My kids are in school in Switzerland and life is good."
BREAKING NEWS: American Debtors Will Be Shipped to China as Indentured Servants! The federal government announced today that all Americans in foreclosure, past due on credit card debt or in bankruptcy, will be shipped to Beijing to work off America's debt to the Chinese. China accepted a hard driven bargain by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton today which allows for every American to help pay off our national debt to China by working for two dollars a day as a domestic servant, in rice paddies or coal mines. Since 98% of the national debt is caused by heterosexuals, only heterosexuals will be shipped to China. Gays and lesbians will be sent to the Paris sweatshops of Yves St. Laurent, Karl Lagerfeld and Givenchy, to help pay back what we owe to the French. Banks and credit card companies will use their bailout money to pay to ship American debtors to China. According to Citibank executives, who asked not to be identified, "it's important that America show the world we always pay back our debts." Bankrupt American Debtors (B.A.D.) claim they should be paid at least the federal minimum wage but experts on Wall Street said that would only serve to hurt small businesses in China and stunt economic growth worldwide. Gays and lesbians working Paris sweatshops, however, will be paid French minimum wage, given free healthcare, expense accounts and quaint but fashionable apartments on the Rive Gauche. Experts on Wall Street claim this is the sort of practice that has destroyed France's economy. French politicians' response was simply, "we will not be sending any French people to work in China."
BREAKING NEWS: According to a new Gallup Poll, more than 8 out of 10 Americans identify themselves as Christians. Gallup goes on to explain that this means Americans (Christians) will believe anything, including a mortgage broker who tells them their rate will never go up. In fact, says Gallup, the entire subprime mortgage fiasco has been caused almost entirely by Christians who will believe anything plus a small minority of other religious types who will believe anything. 100% of all foreclosures in the United States have been on Christian households. Gallup says that no atheists have ever been sold a bad mortgage or been foreclosed on. According to Barry McSorley, a mortgage broker in Fort Meyers, "those damn atheists are impossible to make any money on. They read the paperwork. Gimme a Christian any day, they take you on faith. All you have to do is mention Jesus and couple of times and hand them the pen." The latest studies including the one below indicate that the entire financial crisis is almost entirely caused by Christian heterosexuals who will believe anything anyone tells them is in the Bible. Salesmen in Alice Thompson's Internet Marketing classes say that there is a list of closely guarded words that will trigger a sale under just about any circumstances. Although the salesmen refused to show us the list, we hear from reliable sources that the list includes the words "jesus," "Bible," "faith," "God," "pray," and "devil." A few salesmen admit those words are on the list but refused to indicate the majical order. If the words are said in the right order, apparently, a Christian will overpay by up to 100% above MSRP.
BREAKING NEWS: Heterosexuals cause economic crisis. Economists today announced that more than 95% of the current recession has been caused by heterosexuals. Heterosexuals with children caused the mortgage crisis which led to the current economic crisis which some say is the worst since the great depression. Further studies show that gang violence is caused almost entirely by heterosexuals. Gangs murder thousands of people every year and sell drugs. Research shows that 99.9% of gang members are heterosexuals. Heterosexuals cause crime. They need to become gay to become civilized. There is hope for them though, through Leviticus International they can find Jesus and become gay and have a clean conscience about not causing current record levels of foreclosure and unemployment as well as gang violence and murder. Heterosexuality is destroying our culture. Jesus can stop it. Join Leviticus International now.
BREAKING NEWS: LEVITICUS INTERNATIONAL CAN MAKE UNHAPPY STRAIGHTS GAY. Revision Studios, famous for the Princess Diana Gay Bible, has launched a new website called Leviticus International which promises to help unhappy straights become gay. According to Max Mitchell, creator of the site, “If the 'hate to be straight' crowd wants to throw off their chains, there is finally a way." Leviticus International says that straights can be “born again” as gay with the help and love of God and Jesus Christ. Joseph "Bo" Kelly, of Orogrande, NM, a former heterosexual, claims it worked for him. According to Kelly, his compulsive attraction to women led him to two suicide attempts. “Now that I'm gay, my life is divine, and I don't mean in the biblical sense. My boyfriend and I share so much more than I ever did with any of my four ex wives. I thank God for taking that sinful disorder away from me." How did it work? “I just got on my knees and asked Jesus Christ to release me from the spell cast by these women.” It took weeks of prayer but it finally worked. Then I met Todd at church. One thing led to another and the next thing I knew, it was Super Bowl, we were so excited by the football game, we ended up having the hottest sex I've ever known. And we moved out of the trailer park into a fabulous Italian palazzo with topiary and an herb garden. I can't thank Rev. Karl enough.Mary Bermanoff, another former heterosexual, says she's never been so happy. "I truly am born again. Who knew that Jesus could make me a happy lesbian? It was a long painful journey getting here but I'm glad I made it. Twenty years living with a man who smelled and never took out the trash was more than I could take. Janine, my girlfriend, actually cooks for me and brings me coffee in bed. Hallalujah! And I can actually enjoy sex, not just brace for it. She tells me she loves me. Rev. Karl Krutchner, pastor at the Trailer of God in Texas, says that Leviticus has a very high success rate. “I can't take credit for it. It's the power of the lord and Jesus doing it, not me.” Asked why it was called Leviticus International, Rev. Karl said that Leviticus in the Princess Diana Bible, says that it's an abomination for a man to lay down with a woman. That's my ministry. Saving people from this sinful heterosexual lifestyle. You should see their faces when they find gay love. It's a divine transformation. You can see God in the eyes. They have never felt this kind of joy. Warms my heart. Praise Jesus."
BREAKING NEWS: CHRISTIANS ANGRY ABOUT GAY BIBLE. When “Horror In The Wind” Writer/ Producer/ Director Max Mitchell announced Revision Studios will publish a new translation of the Bible in which God says gay is better than straight, Christians got angry. “In our Bible, Adam and Eve are both women,” says Mitchell “Mail is pouring in. We’re posting it on a blog at www.princessdianabible.com so everyone can see. This is a textbook case of how the Internet is viral. In one week we went round the world and got picked up by major sites like The Guardian in UK, Belief.net; and Pink News. Mitchell will adapt and direct the Princess Diana Bible as a two-part miniseries: The Gay Old Testament and The Gay New Testament. “There are 116 versions of the Bible. I don’t see why we can’t have one.” Made for under $53,000, sci fi comedy “Horror In The Wind (trailer),” has been banned by Allen Theaters of New Mexico. NBC nightly news recently reported that Allen Theaters refused to screen the locally produced comedy because it is too political. “Horror In The Wind” is about two bio-geneticists whose Formula 4708 reverses the whole world’s sexual orientation. Allen Theaters, the only Cineplex in Alamogordo where the film was shot, was asked by Weber to do a single late night screening to comply with Screen Actors Guild regulations. According to theater owner, Russell Allen, it is “too political.” Alamogordo, famous for being the town where Christians burned the Harry Potter books, is referenced in the movie. Allen Theaters screens extremely violent films. “They are offended by political comedy but have no problem with violence,” said Mitchell. “Allen thinks that killing and murder is better than laughter. So much for family values.” When NBC News showed up with a camera at Allen’s Cineplex in Alamogordo, the manager refused to be interviewed on camera. Allen did not return phone calls made by NBC News reporter Katie Ryan. "Horror In The Wind" is set in 2017 when Pat Robertson and James Dobson win the White House with a campaign theme of the "War on Sex." Robertson spreads an untested sex suppression formula throughout the world. To everyone's shock, Formula 4708 does not suppress sex drive but changes it. Within a week the entire world is gay. Eventually people prefer it and amend the constitution to ban heterosexual marriage. "I got the idea for the Princess Diana Bible from 'Horror In The Wind'," says Mitchell. "After the world becomes gay, religious people create The Princess Diana Bible, which says that gay is right and straight is a sin. Then they burn all the King James Bibles." According to Mitchell, "There are scholars who say that like many priests, Jesus was gay. In Biblical times homosexuality was so commonplace, no one gave it a second thought. It was heterosexuality that was considered sinful." One man posted this on the Princess Diana Bible Blog: ‘The Lord God reminds you of this that if anyone adds to his word God will add to him/her the plagues described in his word. And if anyone takes away from his word God will take his/her name out of the Book of Life.’“Sounds like a very mean and nasty God. Lots of emails threaten God will punish me but I’m not scared. These people lack faith or they wouldn’t get so hysterical. There are 116 versions of the Bible. Why is any of them better than ours? Gays are the only group left in America that it’s still okay to hate. If they hate so much, why are they called Christians?"	LINKS FINAL TESTAMENT GAY BIBLE HUFFINGTON POST DAILY BEAST DAILY DISH GAY JESUS JESUS PUZZLE FREEDOM FROM RELIGION GOLDEN YEARS OF HOMOPHOBIA CHRISTIAN HOMOPHOBIA AMERICAN ATHEISTS EVIL BIBLE SOULFORCE DECEMBER18 BUZZFEED TOWELROAD PINK NEWS UK DOORQ Via BuzzFeed
“Horror In The Wind” Banned In New Mexico. Indie comedy “Horror In The Wind,” has been banned by Allen Theaters of New Mexico. Revision Studios reports that Allen Theaters refused to screen the locally produced comedy because it is too political. “Horror In The Wind” is about two biogeneticists whose Formula 4708 reverses the whole world’s sexual orientation. Made for under $53,000, sci fi comedy “Horror In The Wind (trailer),” has been banned by Allen Theaters of New Mexico. Dick Weber, Executive Producer at Revision Studios, reports that Allen Theaters refused to screen the locally produced comedy because it is too political. “Horror In The Wind” tells the story of two biogeneticists who invent an airborne formula that accidentally reverses the whole world’s sexual orientation. According to Weber, “The movie cost less than $53,000. Miraculous for any feature but even more so considering we have an airplane and a car explosion. Except for Allen Theaters, the people of southern New Mexico really supported this project with lots of free stuff.” “James Dobson in a jockstrap! Scared the livin’ daylights outta’ me.” Flo Daniels, Flo TV. “They had me until they rewrote the Bible.” Dan Lafferty, Fax News.
BREAKING NEWS: GAYS FIGHT PROP EIGHT WITH PROP STRAIGHT. Left wing radical gays announced a new strategy to overturn Proposition Eight with Proposition Straight. Gays, led by Al Gutsy of San Diego, plan to ask churches who supported Proposition 8 to help them come to Jesus. When Christians come to their homes or meet them at church, gay radicals will seduce them, compromise them, and sodomize them. James Dobson, of Focus on the Family, said today that Christians will not be hoodwinked by sexual terrorism masquerading as spiritual bankruptcy.Mormons, however, have shown up in droves at gay and lesbian homes anxious to share the Book of Mormon. In many cases, these missionaries have left the church. The missionaries' position on this is that it is worth the risk to make converts. Rumors swirl about gay polygamy in the wake of these defections which may or may not undermine the undermining of Prop 8. If you opposed Prop 8 and want to do something about it, says Gutsy, get in touch with the Mormons, they will be at your door with literature faster than Domino's Pizza. And if that doesn't work, try Focus On The Family, they will want to convert you to heterosexual and when they're not looking, you can do some missionary work on them.